'FOOTUROLOGY': DISPATCHES FROM THE FUTURE OF FOOTBALL – INTRODUCTION

It was the great Gazza himself who said “I don’t make predictions, and I never will” and up until today we would have concurred with the daft Geordie tragedy-waiting-to-happen (a description which itself could be construed as a sort of foretelling, albeit of the ‘sun will rise tomorrow’ variety). However, that was before we developed the power of divination – or rather, before we realized that we had had it all along, latent, awaiting its hour…

The powers of augury with which we have been blessed do not operate by way of dreams (oneiromancy), tea leaves (tasseomancy), sticks (rhabdomancy), palms (cheiromancy) or even excrement (scatomancy). No, our soothsaying is conducted through the obscure patterns left on tactics boards by those analysts, squinters all, beholden to the view that tactics produce football, as opposed to merely offering a schematic ideal of the coach’s, haphazardly and extemporaneously carried out by inherently creative, problem-solving players. At any rate, we call this chalkboard-based form of divination VELLIOMANCY, from the Greek for arrows. Pointless arrows…

What follows are the future truths of football. Don’t bet in play, naaah – bet now, before the inevitable unfolds. Bet your house on it. 

Illustration courtesy of Toblerone Jones

Part 1: Which speaks of Black Country ball-winning, a sportswear retailer’s contribution to his club’s embarrassment, CR7’s wilderness ordeal, some surprise trade between Mario and Rio, and ill-advised tattoos…

Part 2: In which Owen Coyle takes the positives, Guus plays hard to get, an Uzbeki oligarch buys the Royal Shrovetide game, Sepp plays the curmudgeon with the kids, and Mr Redknapp takes Poole to the Gulf…

Part 3: Wherein are contained prognostications of Wenger’s extreme youth policy, a shock title for the Potters, Messi’s military service, a Russian stadium surrounded by a moat of piss, and a psychotic delirium induced by tactical diagrams…

Part 4: About Stephen Ireland’s film career, Man City’s commercial optimization, expensive tickets for the Moscow World Cup final, WAG-ology, and Moyes vexing the Toffee Men…

Part 5: In which King Kenny goes on a spree in the North East, confusion reigns over Brazilian names, Becks’ MLS off-season sojourns to London reach a new low, tragedy befalls Argentina, and Man Utd fans become suicide bombers…

Part 6: Wherein we learn of Hansen’s obsession, of FIFA’s stance toward England, of Keano’s acquittal, of Neymar’s bank balance, and of the misunderstanding of Nigel Clough

Part 7: About Man City’s Champions League final defeat, twice, the Liechtenstein World Cup, a self-regarding Dane, and the insidious spread of Tevezism…  

Part 8: Which tells of Rio Ferdinand’s son’s career change, space-age balls, dinosaurs, the belated flourishing of Arsène’s boys, and the enduring fervour of Fergie… 

Tweet