'FOOTUROLOGY': DISPATCHES FROM THE FUTURE OF FOOTBALL – PART 4

  "visionary"

17 January, 2018

Having quit football to take his dead grandmother to bingo, Stephen Ireland regales the crowds at the Limerick Film Festival at the premiere of his widely lauded directorial debut, Jumpers for Goalposts, a neo-noir allegory of a football-flavoured totalitarian delirium starring Phillips Idowu and Jonathon Edwards.

Mithered

3 June, 2018

There’s a low huggermugger of discontent outside the Etihad stadium as some unctuous no-mark management gushspout brassnecks his way through a press conference announcing that Manchester City are to have 19 different home strip designs for the 2018-19 season, and that only fans who buy at least half of them will be allowed entry to the games. Some died-in-the-wool City fans have half-thought about a protest, while Steve Greaves of CityFans (est. 2008) said “I ain’t mithered by it. We’re lucky they haven’t taken the club to London”.

Nostalgia for the Luzhniki stadium spreads in Moscow

21 July, 2018

Only 17 public tickets go on sale for the 2018 World Cup final in Moscow. Principally, this is because Russia’s kleptocratic political elite and their lackey organizers constructing a media centre covering 99.78% of the stands in order to accommodate compliant lickspittles of mainstream media and blogosphere alike – anyone, that is, who is prepared to help forestall seditious stirrings in the masses and sniff out activity bent on the Russian people re-appropriating the gigantic booty-divvy overseen by a pissed-up Yelstsin (and that Vlad Putin’s pretty chillaxed about). However, for anyone unable to acquire a ‘propaganda pass’, as they’ve become known, despair not – there is one extra-special ticket available, and at the fairly reasonable price of $48m. Its location? In a papoose on the referee’s back. FIFA have ratified this, provided they take 80% of the cover charge.

Professor Danielle Lloyd

28 September, 2018

A landmark in British Education as WAG Studies is offered as a degree course for the first time at Romford and Basildon Polyversity, as well as the Birkenhead Institute of Blag. Emeritus Professor Danielle Lloyd, convener of the popular Introduction to Mega-Shopping module, squealed: “I’m made up that we’re finally being taken seriously. Being a young, ambitious, working-class girl, pouring yourself into high-street cocktail-type dresses, and draping yourself sluttishly over the furniture of trendy metropolitan bars five times a week ain’t easy, I can tell you.” University Chancellor, Sir Jeremy Clarkson, added: “We’re here to provide a shortcut for girls hoping to escape their grotty backgrounds and live a life of credit card joyriding and vapid semi-fame.” Meanwhile, Professor of Poutology Victoria Beckham had a robot say on her behalf: “It can be really, really hard. Your fella sometimes has to go away for a long time. You have to put up with things like that.”

Moyesy: borrowed time

22 May, 2019

Everton fans stage a 48-hour sit-in demonstration in protest at the club’s stagnation under David Moyes after back-to-back third-place Premier League finishes with a skeleton squad of just 14 full-time pro’s, of whom four are Byelorussians on the minimum wage, one a blind paraplegic, two schoolboys, and one an anchorite prone to trip over his 7-foot long beard. “We need to go to the next level, like,” said Craig Pike, the pronunciation of his name sounding like white noise.

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