'FOOTUROLOGY': DISPATCHES FROM THE FUTURE OF FOOTBALL – PART 3

McGoogan's last drop-off before Wenger's 4-year punt on his semen

25 August, 2016

Citing the “disaster” of Per Mertesacker and ‘Fab-lite’ Mikel Arteta, neither of whom had legs suited for one of their primary functions (respectively, maintaining upright posture and locomotion), Arsène Wenger flatly refuses to add experience to his squad, and instead announces that the club have signed an embryo. Scouts had been monitoring the cell division over a number of weeks to discern traits amenable to Wengerist philosophy: the achievement of trophyless frugality while exuding moral superiority through a high-tempo passing game. The following week, with the window closing, Wayne McGoogan sensationally quits his job – delivering dairy products to the people of Hertfordshire – when the glint in his eye from the bright summer sun is handed a 4-year contract at the Emirates as he drops off the two pints of semi-skimmed for Le Professeur, who suddenly looked decidedly happy about the Gunners’ prospects in 2040…

Pulis: stentorian

9 May, 2017

Stoke City win the Premier League after a quirk of the fixture list computer and a set of coincidences with the weather allows them to play all 19 of their home games on wet and windy Wednesday nights. They take a maximum 57 points at home, which, allied to the 25 they pick up on the road (seven wins, four draws) was enough for the title. Both Manchester City and Arsenal forfeited their games at the Britannia Stadium – their respective managers, José Mourinho (on the eve of a prison sentence, it will transpire) and Arsène Wenger, reckoning the inevitable loss was best done without any of their players being maimed. Four-time World Town Cryer champion Tony Pulis is begrudgingly credited with having formulated a tactical masterstroke, namely: hiring a Finnish javelin coach, then signing Slobodan Statić and Darko Tactić from the Montenegro basketball team.

 Jose offers Leo an insincere apology for the latter's upcoming military service

11 June, 2017

Political scandal erupts in Argentina when it emerges that, in the somewhat murky 2015 presidential elections, hardline conservative nationalist Lucho García Pugliese won office having been bankrolled from overseas accounts traced to West Kensington, Lisbon, Madrid and Milan. The man behind this illicit funding was none other than ex-Real Madrid boss José Mourinho. It seems he was at the end of his none-too-lengthy tether having failed to win a single La Liga title in five attempts. Campaign funding provided by the Portuguese was furnished on the basis of a quid pro quo for Pugliese’s re-establishment of compulsory, retroactive military service for males between 18 and 22, this political favour thus taking the scourge of his dark arts, nemesis Leo Messi, out of the footballing equation, at least for a couple of seasons. Mourinho was happy to vouch for the fact that both Angel di Maria and Gonzalo Higuaín were conscientious objectors. After winning the title by 28 points, he leaves for Manchester City.

Sputnik Volgograd's new home and its perimeter of piss 

September 2017

The contempt of plutocratic football club owners for lowly fans plumbs new depths as Russian club Sputnik Volgograd’s gazillionaire owner Ivan Rypyulotov builds a new stadium ahead of the 2018 World Cup which the fans can only reach by swimming through an underground lagoon of piss. Piotr Tikskinsy, one of the 67,000 in attendance at the venue’s inaugural fixture, said: “It’s not ideal, certainly, but at the end of the day I love football and my life would be utterly meaningless without it” – thus seemingly misunderstanding that the ongoing existence of football is not contingent upon him attending the match. He continued: “Last year I allowed my daughter to be gang-raped by the squad when it was mooted that it gave them a 12% better chance of winning”.

Reich

Not all the 67,000 crowd were delighted, however. Indeed, Grigori Peev was stabbed to death outside the ground by Rypyulotov’s compliant thugs for reciting through a megaphone the following passage from a strange text by the name of Anti-Oedipus: “[The] fundamental problem of political philosophy is still precisely the one that Spinoza saw so clearly, and that Wilhelm Reich rediscovered: ‘Why do men fight for their servitude as stubbornly as though it were their salvation?’ How can people possibly reach the point of shouting ‘More taxes! Less bread!’? As Reich remarks, the astonishing thing is not that some people steal or that others occasionally go out on strike, but rather that all those who are starving do not steal as a regular practice, and all those who are exploited are not continually out on strike.” Sputnik Volgograd release a statement saying that they will not be releasing a statement. 

 Universitat Craiova supporter

31 October, 2017

A coven of Romanian Satanists torch the Universitat Craiova stadium. They are watching Man2Man Marking TV (football porn, not gay porn) when the State broadcaster’s transmitter malfunctions and the images freeze just as soi-disant tactical guru, Ludo Statuescu was explaining, in an excessively top-down, functionalist manner, the radical tactical advance of their team’s 4-1-1-3-1 ‘Crucifix’ formation over the Pentangular midfield. Police believe the wanton destruction may have had something to do with them having just boshed a merry fistful of psilocybin mushrooms… Even so, their fourteen-hour marathon of gently pulsating chalkboards was going well until a lactose intolerant devil-worshipper threw a hot pan of full-fat over the chief witch, provoking a psychotic episode in the latter that ultimately eventuates in the arson attack. BBC World Service run the headline: CRAIOVA SPILT MILK ARSON.

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