Friday, 3 February 2012


I know it's over...

I realize there’s stuff and stuff going on in the world, but none of it is as important as football. So shut up. I have important news.

Apparently, according to sources, the real reason John Terry was stripped of the captaincy has nothing whatsoever to do with the perpetually haughty sneer plastered to his mug, nor the fact that the Society for People who Refuse to Shake John Terry’s Hand (SPRSJTH) has grown too big for its administrative infrastructure, its dues no longer enough to cover venue hire. 

No, the reason JT has been stripped of the captaincy – and it’s too early to tell whether that’s adequate compensation for those hoping he would be stripped of his supposedly superior white/pink skin – is, as one entirely sane Chelsea supporter put it, “because of that fackin’ foreign cunt we’ve got as fackin’ manager. What fackin’ right has he got…?”

“Fackin’ language barrier, innit?” spake another.

From what I can tell at this early stage  and using an interpreter (ironically, as you shall see) while down in That London  this is what happened…

Mr Capello was in the karsey at Kamikaze, a plush new Japanese restaurant in Notting Hill, contemplating his order – specifically, the amount of chilli he was going to put his sphincter through, or put through his sphincter, which he was giving a pep-talk, having told it to switch off its mobile phone. (“I gonna have arse like a Japanese fag”, the Italian would later accidentally multi-quip.)

When he returned, he asked the waiter what the day’s specials were.

The waiter, having announced himself as a Fulham supporter and speaking very slowly, said “Teriyaki Chicken”.

At that point, Capello’s innate defensiveness, his Latinate linguistic formation, and the fact that he’d sent his translator-flunky off to Christie’s to bid on a Kandinsky screen print all combined to create a perfect storm, one that would blow JT’s gaudy mansion of a reputation to smithereens. Thus, hearing what he believed to be a slur on his courage by having the England team led by JT – for Don Fabio heard “Terryarchy? Chicken!” – Capello promptly issued personal orders for the sacking. Not the FA, as has been reported.

Terryarchy – if Fabio can neologise that, he’s evidently got a better grasp of English than we thought.


Terryarchy n. sing.: rule by terries; from -archy: government, rule
Terry n. sing: a moronic Cockney fascist, subgenre of the chav and equivalent to a Glaswegian ned.  

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