Sky Soccer
Saturday: four-parts cringe, three-parts bantz,
two-parts comedy genius (of which, two-thirds unintentional).
Today, Jeff
Stelling throws (a verb I overheard a Sky roving
reporter use this summer) to Villa Park , where we see the all-too-familiar pencil
‘tache of
maybe-not-quite-so-easygoing-as-his-persona-suggests-if-he-has-to-maintain-the-same-facial-hair-and-Barnet-arrangement-ad-infinitum
Chris Kamara.
‘Kammy’ is a
regular gantry gaffemeister, of course, but on this occasion it was less
general confusion and broadcasting incompetence, more a common-or-garden
example of combining two hackneyed figures of speech into a preposterous
hypothesis.
With Norwich having dominated the first half-hour
(think tabloidopundit thought-fart ‘I don’t know what Chris Hughton has said to
them in there, but it’s working’), Kammy opined: “If an alien landed on earth
here today, they’d think Norwich
O-kaaay.
Are you sure
they wouldn’t be thinking: ‘Why don’t Aston Villa play a withdrawn striker and
have two wide men attacking diagonally between advanced full-backs and
centre-halves, allowing them to play a double-pivot and an extra midfielder’? Or: ‘Norwich Norwich
Naturally, the
reach of Sky Sports is such that the good aliens of inner space are clued up
enough to grasp the basic truth of football: The Home Team Shall Be Dominant.
Still, you sit
around for another twenty minutes and after an excruciating feature showing a
Scouse entrepreneur who runs football tours out of the back of a minibus to
people wearing Liverpool scarves still sporting ‘El Niño’ (with knitted
phizog-likeness!), we cut back to Jeff Stelling, the hint of a grin playing
across his face as he deadpans: “I once went on a tour of the Grand Canyon by
helicopter. But I’ve got to say, this is right up there…”
Aliens here,
Jeff – unbelievable!
Another
piece about SSS: Thommo
on Racism
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