Saturday, 27 October 2012


Sky Soccer Saturday: four-parts cringe, three-parts bantz, two-parts comedy genius (of which, two-thirds unintentional).

Today, Jeff Stelling throws (a verb I overheard a Sky roving reporter use this summer) to Villa Park, where we see the all-too-familiar pencil ‘tache of maybe-not-quite-so-easygoing-as-his-persona-suggests-if-he-has-to-maintain-the-same-facial-hair-and-Barnet-arrangement-ad-infinitum Chris Kamara. 

‘Kammy’ is a regular gantry gaffemeister, of course, but on this occasion it was less general confusion and broadcasting incompetence, more a common-or-garden example of combining two hackneyed figures of speech into a preposterous hypothesis.

With Norwich having dominated the first half-hour (think tabloidopundit thought-fart ‘I don’t know what Chris Hughton has said to them in there, but it’s working’), Kammy opined: “If an alien landed on earth here today, they’d think Norwich were the home team, Jeff”.


Are you sure they wouldn’t be thinking: ‘Why don’t Aston Villa play a withdrawn striker and have two wide men attacking diagonally between advanced full-backs and centre-halves, allowing them to play a double-pivot and an extra midfielder’? Or: ‘Norwich need to circulate the ball quicker’? Maybe even: ‘This must be the legendary Norwich, the club of the flecked strips that we saw in Earth Year 1992’.

Naturally, the reach of Sky Sports is such that the good aliens of inner space are clued up enough to grasp the basic truth of football: The Home Team Shall Be Dominant.

Still, you sit around for another twenty minutes and after an excruciating feature showing a Scouse entrepreneur who runs football tours out of the back of a minibus to people wearing Liverpool scarves still sporting ‘El Niño’ (with knitted phizog-likeness!), we cut back to Jeff Stelling, the hint of a grin playing across his face as he deadpans: “I once went on a tour of the Grand Canyon by helicopter. But I’ve got to say, this is right up there…”

Aliens here, Jeff – unbelievable!

Another piece about SSS: Thommo on Racism

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