Monday, 12 March 2012


It’s common knowledge that Swansea City brought in Gylfi Þór Sigurðsson on loan from the funkily monikered 1899 Hoffenheim – a classic octosyllabic metric form, you will note, combining spondee and anapaest with the ‘anti-Antipodean’ stressed-unstressed-unstressed dactyl – primarily because it was urgent that the Premier League’s impressive purveyors of tiki-taka-lite signed a tall player, a player who could reach up for the rapidly-ageing condiments and whatnot on the top shelf of the boss’s training ground pantry: the pickled eggs; the Gentleman’s Relish; that non-Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce, rashly bought with money from the coppers jar; a sticky tube of spicy Vietnamese sriracha; a forlorn and dented tin of Black Treacle; some luminous Piccalilli; that jar of Indonesian kejap manis you bought in Amsterdam when unable to stop eating. With the hyper-insured modern footballer-commodity contractually prevented from giving bunk-ups or shoulder rides, Gylfi was the obvious solution. Brendan Rogers loves his Bovril butties, you see.  

This is all true, and widely known. But the top-shelfery doesn’t end there…

Gylfi’s new-found celebrity, cemented with a neat brace at Wigan on Saturday, has transformed him into a much sought-after advertising tool, particularly for companies looking to penetrate the Icelandic sexual fantasy market. And penetration – be that from the apex of Rodgers’s fluid midfield or in the spoons, lotus or indeed missionary positions – is something Sigurðsson offers in abundance. He oozes penetration. Reeks of it. 

Once an Icelandic 'volcano' pops, it can't stop

The rangy attacking-midfield thruster’s bedroom antics are already the stuff of legend (or saga) down at the Liberty Stadium, where teammates have been quick to give him the surprisingly oblique, though undeniably clever nickname “Eyjafjallajökull-y”. Although it goes against the grain of many nicknaming conventions – primarily those concerning length and what linguists call “trip-off-the-tongue factor” (a good nickname having to be “trip-off-the-tongue-y”) – the Welsh players are very much at home (or llanbwgfwrllygyllylycrwd) with tongue-twisting, polysyllabic words, so don’t find this much of a struggle. Scott ‘To Be Fair’ Sinclair prefers to call him ‘Siggo’ or ‘Volky’, to be fair.

News of this hydraulic pelvic prowess has been splattered all over cyberspace, one or two gobbets recently reaching the owners of niche website – inevitable outgrowth of the highly popular (and probable precursor to A spokesman at’s UK HQ in Manchester confirmed that Sigurðsson – Mr Gilfy – is to be paid a “significant six-figure sum” (£118,118?) to be the “European face” of the brand. 

Top shelf attractions

His duties do not include any live-action performance (although Shannon Pizazz, the owner, has said the door will always be open). Nor are the modelling assignments – both soft- and hard-cock – for the brand’s highly popular top-shelf jazz mag as unpalatably onerous as might have been expected, given the particular sexual proclivity to which it caters. Indeed, as Sigurðsson himself has pointed out, there are grandmas in Manchester who weren’t even born when Sir Alex Ferguson started up at Old Trafford,* so potential consorts could well be “bang tidy”, assuming you’re able to look past a babysitting method consisting largely of screaming across drab shopping precincts: “Britt-neh Britt-NEH!! Get fookin’ EE-YOH. NOW!. Yoh fookin’ cunt, yoh!

Despite all this porno positioning – between the sheets and between the lines – the Icelandic Volcano is reported to be deeply concerned that, even without hardcore modelling duties, his semi-compulsive and climactically spectacular day-to-day ‘amateur’ bonking might bring on a bout of what Chris Morris has called ‘the gush’, a strange condition in which a man just cannot stop ejaculating. To wit:

“A spunk expert explained to me that the whole body just gets consumed in producing semen. You could eat all day and all night but you can’t keep up when you’re shooting the moisturiser like a fucked up oil rig… A guy with ‘the gush’ is in big demand for cream scenes all over town. There are special agents for him. You see a black limo with a flashing light and a siren, chances are that’s a jam wagon with some poor kid in the back, groin going off like a sex snake, gush agent clutching a supply of dick nappies, trying to cram in as many jobs as possible before the spunk turns red… A lot of guys are going invertebrate now, but it’s not easy to keep jelly when you’re inside a woman…” [Blue Jam]

Gush or no gush, the desire to avoid such a terribly painful demise brings the very real and alarming possibility – exacerbated by the often overstated yet not-completely-made-up propensity for morose introspection and existential angst among our periodically light-starved Scandinavian cousins – that Sigurðsson may end up taking his own life; or, at the very least, may become so depressed that he withdraws into candlelit bookish reclusion. Forever. Indeed, teammates have already reported him missing a trip to Hooter’s to stay at home reading the poetry of Nicaraguan modernist Rubén Darío, part of whose sonnet ‘Yo persigo una forma’ (‘I pursue a form’) has since been tattooed on the young Viking’s chest, directly beneath the club crest.

The tattoo, the poem’s final pair of triplets, reads:

Y no hallo sino la palabra que huye,
la iniciación melódica que de la flauta fluye
y la barca del sueño que en el espacio boga;

y bajo la ventana de mi Bella-Durmiente,
el sollozo continuo del chorro de la fuente,
y el cuello del gran cisne blanco que me interroga.

Translated, this means:

And I find only the fugitive word,
The melodic invitation flowing from the flute,
And the vessel of dreams sailing in space;

And beneath the window of my Sleeping Beauty,
The continuous sobbing of the fountain’s flow,
And the great white swan’s neck that questions me.

Of course, it’s not difficult to tie all these threads together by way of a cursory exegesis of Darío’s verse. To wit... 

El cuello del gran cisne blanco que me interroga

The central claim of the existentialist philosophers was that the singular drama of human life, which is fundamentally free, is how we face up to our mortality. Jean-Paul Sartre used the concept mauvais foi (bad faith) to describe, among other inauthentic modes of existence, the condition of living in denial of such an inevitability, as one sees with religious belief in the transcendence of the immortal soul. Thus, the motif of death – of which the swan is emblematic, of course (as per the ‘swan song’ of this regal bird) – is conveyed by Darío using the image of the swan’s neck, the singular form, the very physical shape of which – ? – interrogates the poet. Death: the ultimate question of life; omnipresent, stalking our every step, a profoundly creative force…until such time as it finally claims us. 

Several senior officials at the Association for the Observance of Icelandic Poetry-Enjoying Footballing Porn Stars already fear the worst, speculating that, by leaving jovial old Hoffenheim – where they were going to party like it’s 1899 – and coming to the morbid city of Swansea – with the unambiguously sombre symbolism of its crest – Sigurðsson’s destiny was already sealed, his future traced out. For the free existential self, this means a death wish: I pursue a form...

Gunnhilder Dereksdóttir of AOIPEFPS said, stoically: “In a strange way, having always seen the great swan’s neck of human mortality as oppressively black and not life-affirmingly white, he has already been heading for his ‘Swansea’, even if that were in Hoffenheim.” Ever a fatalistic bunch, plans for his funeral are already being made in Reykjavík. 

Swan song

Ex-Coventry City goalkeeper and world-renowned pattern-spotter David Icke was unavailable for comment. However, Manchester-based Iceland expert Kerry Katona said that she believed he was suffering a temporary bout of “Britt-NEEEH! Britt-neh

* source: Con-Cencus

This piece was previously published by The FCF 

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